Jan 10, 2009

It Was NOT Pretty!

Background: Aside from being closer to Jason's work, the reason we moved into a trailer in the middle of a giant dirt field was to pay off debt and reduce our expenses to the point where I could stay home with Ella if I wanted to. Well, I want to. Every fiber of my being wants to. Every ounce of me cringes at the thought of leaving her and not being a stay at home mom. But alas, with Jason's pay after taxes and the ridiculous cost of healthcare, me staying home is not an option. In fact, me working part-time is not even an option. And I am not dealing with this well!

More Background: Worry and Anxiety are one of my struggles. With me on upaid maternity leave we're trying to make it on one paycheck but we still have to pay for my health benefits. The hospital bill from Ella's birth is still hanging around somewhere and I just got a bill from my chiropractor yesterday. I'm not doing so well in the anxiety and worry department.

At the end of a particularly tiring day yesterday Jason informed me that to put Ella and I on his health insurance it would cost $630/month! For her and I on my insurance it'll cost $430/month and we were banking on his being cheaper. No such luck. We can't just raise more money to cover the cost of health insurance like we could when we were with CCC. NOPE! This nice chunk of change will come directly out of my (already ity bity) paycheck that we were already trying to scrape by with. This little tidbit of info tipped off my ugly downward spiral...

Oh, it was complete with:
Jealousy - "Everyone else that wants to be a stay at home mom gets to be except me!"
Self-Pity - "Here I am trying to be a good citizen by working, doing a job that makes a difference in people's lives and all I get is shafted! Why even bother!"
Ungratefulness - "We're going to live in the poop-box (side note: I did NOT use the word poop) of a trailer for the rest of our lives and I can't stand it!"
Anger and Resentment - "YOU (Jason) told me that you crunched the numbers and moving to this poop-box would allow me to stay home and allow us to build a house. But you were WRONG and I never would have agreed to it if I'd known that!"
People, it was NOT pretty. In fact, it was down right UGLY! It was a full blown adult temper tantrum.

I woke up this morning feeling like the most terrible person ever but in all honesty, still quite upset about my whole life situation. So I decided to fly the coop. I wrestled with feelings of guilt for leaving Ella and (gasp! heaven forbid) wanting some time to myself. But Jason reminded me that he had already been ice-fishing twice while I stayed home with the babe and I had not been away from her even once in an entire month. That helped me put it into perspective.

So Jason watched Ella and I went into town. I went to the library and got some books I wanted. I got some new bottles that I'm very excited about. I used a gift certificate to buy some jeans that make even my post preggo butt look really good! Also got a black and white collage frame so we can finally display some pictures of our precious pumpkin.

And last but not least, the best part of all, I went to Starbucks and had a peaceful, uninterrupted devotion. And whadaya know, the Lord completely met me there. Here are a few of the highlights:

Opening line: It's easy to want our lives to be all beauty and no cost, all gain and no loss. When difficulty mars the scene, we find ourselves focusing on our disappointment rather than treasuring life's delights.

If our Father did not pamper His beloved Son, should we expect Him to pamper us?

"In this world there will be trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" -John 16:33

We can choose to take heart and experience His peace in the midst of pressures and trials.

"...but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulations bring about perseverance, and perseverance proven character, and proven character hope; and hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:3-5

Does this change my situation? No. But it gives me strength. Will I be able to apply this perfectly and not struggle again? Heck No. But turns my perspective around and I can come back to His truths anytime I fall back down. Yup. God is good.


meaningfulalbums said...

You're right - God is good. Even when nothing seems fair and everything is off with the world. And God knows the desires of your heart, and he is the giver of all good things in our lives. Love ya girl!

Life With My Boys..... said...

OH sweet Sarah.....thank you for sharing. Ella is so blessed to have you! We will pray with you.....Can you come over tomorrow? I shall feed you and serve you....and you can share you sorrows while all the rest of us mommies....you rock......

Life With My Boys..... said...

I mean to say, "WITH the rest of us Mommies...."

Life With My Boys..... said...

Okay, I just can't type today. "mean" was supposed to be "meant." You know what I mean....yeesh! :0)

Cheryl said...

I'm so glad to hear that you got away for some time to yourself and espedially time with God and his word. Infinitely more helpful than any advice I could have given. Love you.

Cheryl said...

Oops, I didn't proof read. I meant 'especially'. Duh.

Anonymous said...

Sarah - you might love or absolutely hate www.mint.com. You can add all your accounts and debts (so checking, savings, loans, mortgage, credit cards, etc) and mint tracks your income and expenses and gives you tons of sweet charts and thinks. For visual me, it's perfect, and I'm slightly addicted. Perhaps I shall blog about it!

Amy said...

I have lots of thoughts on this topic. I'll send you a facebook message when I've got some time.
In the mean time, we'll keep you and your family in our prayers. I'm so glad you took some time to yourself to catch your breath and get some reassurance from the Lord.
And of course, if you and Jason ever EVER have a need for a chiropractor, you know where you can come and never see a bill for it. I know we're not close by, but seriously, the offer is always open.

And okay, I won't facebook you, I'll just leave you a really long comment....

Sometimes staying home is possible if you're willing to be super creative about it. I started grad school when James was 5 weeks old. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it made sense for me. I took almost all of my classes online (and when they were on campus, the break was really nice), the student health insurance was dirt cheap (cheaper than my previous employer), and I even had extra grants and scholarship to help with our living expenses. After I graduated and James was a little bit older, I started babysitting...not ideal, but it worked. I used to take James to a little boy's house (which was way nicer than our place) and they'd play while I watched their cable...and took care of the kids, of course! I did it 3 days a week and ended up making enough to cover our car payment and groceries and a few other bills every month.
So I've always had something else going on in addition to being a mom, but up until I legitimately went back to work last year, I really felt like a total stay at home mom.
There's no easy answer, but if you can jump into the gray, and maybe look for a compromise, you'll find something that's not just the black or the white.
And I know you've talked about getting your masters ;)
I'll think about what some of my friends have done and let you know if I come up with any earth shattering ideas!

Shannon said...

I love your authenticity. That tribulations verse has pulled me through a time or two as well. I'm so looking forward to seeing you and the other moms again on Monday. I've been thinking of you and Esther and very much need to check in with you and catch up.