Jan 1, 2011

Spillin' My Guts

(CAUTION: This will seem like a total Debbie Downer post at first. But stick with it...it'll turn around.)

My attitude is in stark contrast to the overwhelming "Happy New Year! Hope and Expectation! 2011 is gonna be great!" vibe floating all around in the air on this New Year's morning. And that contrast is only seeming to magnify said stinky attitude.

You see, I'm in THAT place AGAIN and it stinks. THAT PLACE being the place where I really, REALLY would love to be pregnant and am not... and don't know when I'll be...or if I'll be...ever again. For those of you that don't know, it took us three years to get pregnant with Ella. (Yes we know what's wrong, yes we've been to every doctor known to mankind and none of them can tell us WHY or what to do to change it short of fertility drugs, and that's a whole different conversation! So who knows what's in store this time around...but thus far it's seeming like a whole lotta the same.) Those of you that have been in this place, give me a shout out. I mean really, lets just say it like it is. It ROTS.

I'll admit, It's probably just because I know a lot of people at the same stage of life as me...or perhaps it's just my super narrow baby focus right now, but I swear I can sniff out a pregnant woman like a bloodhound tracking a wounded coon. And they're ALL around me! It was the same way back when I was trying to get pregnant the fist time and now we're up for round two... It seems as if everyone I know, and their sister, their aunt, their cousin, their mother AND their grandmother are all getting pregnant. I swear to you that I know THIRTEEN people who are pregnant right now (and I'm pretty sure I've forgotten some!). Please, please don't get me wrong. They are wonderful people who are already or will make wonderful mothers. I am so happy for them to expand or start their family. But I'd be a bald faced liar if I said a part of me didn't sink with a bit of disapointment each time I hear of someone new being pregnant. It just serves as a little reminder each time that I am not. Totally self centered I know. It may not be pretty, but life isn't always pretty people and it's the truth. There I said it.

HOWEVER. (Don't lose hope, here's where it starts to turn around...kind of.) I am also so very aware that when it comes to baby woes I am SO very much low man on the totem pole so to speak. I may know a lot of preggos right now. But I also personally know SO many people who are or have gone through situations that I cannot even fathom. I know people who have been married for 10 years, trying to have children for a good portion of that time and are now waiting to adopt, updating their numbers each month as they wait in REALLY LONG lines to be able to hold their baby in their arms. I know so many women who have had miscarriages... and multiple miscarriages and multiple miscarriages in a row. I know women who have given birth to stillborn children. I know women who have given birth to their sweet children and watched them die in their arms within days or months. I cannot even wrap my head around this kind of heartache...my mind does not comprehend and all words simply fail. My heart hurts for them and I am well aware that the ache I feel for another little one in my arms MORE than pales in comparison.

Oh how I pray for those ladies...the ones I know and the many, many women who'll I'll never even know, but who've experienced a heartache like that. And I count my many, many, many, many blessings. One of the greatest being a sweet, beautiful, healthy little girl who is, this very minute, running about with her daddy and filling the upstairs with the sweetest laughter I've ever heard.

And I ask God what he would have us do...what His plan is. Although it took three years to get pregnant with Ella I can look back and see that His timing was perfect. And even thought it doesn't look like we'll have another babe by the time Ella is 2 1/2 or 3 like I had wanted...I know His plan trumps mine...and while uncomfortable at times, even painful...is always better in the long run.

And I wonder. I wonder if one biological child is all He has for us. I wonder how much we should take into our own hands...with fertility drugs that are readily offered to us. I wonder if doing that might have us miss out on an opportunity He might have for us to expand our family through adoption or fostering...knowing full well that there are so many children with no parents to love them. One thing is sure. I know He has a plan. I know it is good. I know He will unfold it for us in all clarity at the right time.

For now, I wait. And in that waiting God gives me this promise, "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30-31.

But hold up... if that's true...then why is waiting so DANG hard!? Why is it that I feel impatient, sad, weary and not the slightest bit strong or renewed!? Well, from the mouth of one of my FAVE Bible Teachers (Beth Moore)...IT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT WAITING ON THE LORD...I'M WAITING ON THE "THANG". Now that may not hit you with the weight of a GIANT wrecking ball like it did for me, but please let it sink in. So often I am weary and down trodden because Iam just waiting on the "THANG"... The thing I want, the way I want it, when I want it. Instead He asks me to wait on HIM, focused on His strength, His character, His love, His comfort, His peace, and trust and wait for His plan. When I do that, waiting is pretty fabulous.

So Wendy if you're reading this....What God wants from me this year is to wait upon Him...not upon the thing.


Angie Cousins said...

Thanks for sharing Sarah- I so appreciate your honesty and just knowing how you are doing. I have no doubt of God's good plan for you and your family and your children (however they might come about). Thanks for letting us share in that journey with you. I'm praying for you and for how it unfolds.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. It seems like everyone around me is starting, expanding or finishing their families. I really thought my family would be complete by now. Obviously, its not and I am not even in a place that I can see when I will even be able to start my family.

At least you have Ella and she is perfect!


Sarah said...

Thank-you Jen for reminding me... that I know many a woman who long to have a loving husband and a family of their own yet find themselves waiting and wondering,trying to keep hope and perspective. I also have to pause and give thanks for the blessing of my seriously super husband... ((hugs)) to you Jen.

Maggie said...

Ironically, I know how you feel in the opposite sense. When I first got married, that was the first conclusion people jumped too whenever I said I didn't feel well, and I kept hearing about babies and pregnancy EVERYWHERE and it was starting to make me paranoid because I DIDN'T feel ready for a kid yet! lol. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea, but now I'm more concerned that I'll be 30 or older before I have a child because Ray wants to be out of school and the marine corps first! I think every woman can relate to this in some way...

Amy said...

Oh Sarah...damn, damn, damn. I'm so bummed to read this post. When I saw the title to this post, I thought that maybe you'd say you were expecting. Darn it.

I haven't experienced infertility, but as you know, I dealt with a unique pregnancy challenge, and to this day, nothing has even begun to compare on the suck-o-meter. It still amazes me that childbearing can be simultaneously the most amazing/heart breaking experience in the world.

I'll pray for you, Sarah. I'll pray that God helps you understand his will and timing for you and your family. I'll pray that you can feel some peace in your heart.

We're in a challenging situation right now (not pregnancy realated), and all I can pray for is trust and patience. I know that God is in control and has a plan for my family. Things aren't exactly how I want them to feel, but it helps me to know that something's going on behind the scenes.

Sending you lots of love and support <3

Amy said...

Oh, and I guess I'll add this...
Lately, I've only been feeling a single answer to my prayers. God is telling me to do the best with what I have every day. Be the best mom, the best wife, the best seminary teacher, the best runner regardless of my circumstances...and to do it all with a good attitide.
I'm trying.