Jan 6, 2012

Guilt...You know you experience it... and other honest ramblings.

I'm sure some of us experience guilt more than others. I'm convinced women and mamas experience it more than our male counterparts. But boy oh boy have I been struggling with it recently. This is a bit of a processing post, so if you have time to read and pray for me and offer your thoughts or dittos, it'd be great.

I think it stems from my lack of doing ANYTHING over the past few first trimester months. I feel like a failure as a child of God, wife, mom, friend. I know, I know . . . extreme . . . and I need to give myself a break and I need to let God's grace fully soak in. I'm starting.

Recently I've been getting back in the saddle as far as organizing, dishes and laundry go. Although I'm doing more than nothing . . . which is what I was previously doing . . . I'm not fully back up to speed in the other areas like cooking, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, bathrooms etc, but slow and stead wins the race.

I've got more energy to play a bit more and be a bit more purposeful with Ella, but not as much as I used to for sure. Our preschool learning time is all but non-existant now and all-be-it educational PBS programing, TV is much more prominent. Oh how that disgusts me. But it's beyond true. It is, however, amazing how sweet, caring, sympathetic and understanding Ella is. It's like God's trying to pour out his grace through her so I can feel it in a very tangible way. Oh how it humbles me.

And recently a friend of mine posted about some goals of hers here and they pierced me to the heart with conviction. Not so much guilt here . . . well let's be honest, probably some . . . but also true conviction, because these are things that have been on my heart but I've been too much of a coward to put into words and attempt to put into action.

The Biggies are these:
1.) Read through the entire Bible.
I cannot tell you how many times I've attempted and fizzled. GRRRrrr. It's like a never ending battle. Mandy linked to a chronological reading plan with Joni Erickson Tada and I'm on track with it . . . thus far . . . it's only day 6 people.

2.) Get up before my child so that I can prepare and greet her...not let her be my alarm clock. In that time before she wakes, spend time with the Lord and exercize.
Before I got pregnant I was getting up and hour before Ella (6 am . . . super hard for this lover of sleep). 3 days a week I would exercize in that time and then spend time with the Lord during her nap time. And the other days I would spend time with the Lord in that morning time. It was glorious. Mandy also linked to this AMAZING thing called Hello Mornings where women encourage and hold accountable other women to this idea of preparing for and greeting your children in the morning.

I have not yet gotten on board with Hello Mornings because I just don't know if I have the energy right now. I've gotten back into working out and my times with the Lord but it's usually during rest times, evenings, or later mornings when J is home. I am wiped and feel like I really do need extra sleep. But is that the truth or a lie? Is that just an excuse because I really don't like mornings? I don't know. I'm processing.

I do know that I fear failure in both of these areas. I fear repeating my same old, don't carry it through patterns. And this definitely feels like a weird, difficult time right now where I want to be/do so much more than I am, but I'm not sure if . . . if that's just my guilt talking and I need to cut myself some slack . . . or if it's really the Holy Spirit's prompting and I need to buck up and do it. I'm not sure how much any of this helped . . . but at least it's out there.


Anonymous said...

"Ditto" Sarah! I will add my two cents worth as I've been going through similar thought processes with different areas of my life and what I feel like He's been showing me through it. We are waaayyyy more judgemental and condemning of ourselves than God is of us. He is just full of grace and grace and grace. Did I mention He's got a whole lotta grace? If He is prompting us to change something in our life, it's for our best. It's worth doing. Buttt, with that being said, He doesn't tell us that it needs to be done by March 31st or that we need to be at this point on this date. He knows us, and His timing is perfect...He also knows when we need a rapid life change NOW and He changes our life dramatically and quickly. However, He is not the God of instant gratification, so most of the time He works in us a long, slow, gentle meandering process. If we don't get it the 1st time, or even we get to the 30th time and stumble, He knew we would...and if we can accept His grace and displace the guilt, it will give us the strength to get back up again. It's our own guilt that keeps us down when we fall. I've found that if I slow down, take a giant breath, and say; "Hey, I was suppose to be at this chapter on this date, but I'm 3 months behind...." I find there's a specific reason for it and instead of beating myself up, getting discourage, and giving up, when I finally pick the Bible back up where I left off....where I'm at is just what I needed and I realize I'm not "behind," at all, I'm right where I need to be. :D
-Sarah Craig

Meredith said...

"I think it stems from my lack of doing ANYTHING over the past few first trimester months."

Ummm, you're not doing nothing, you're growing a LIFE inside of you. I have no idea what it feels like, but I imagine its quite a thing for a body to experience. So listen to your body, rest up and cook that baby, and cut yourself some slack. I know that's oversimplifying it, but growing a baby is not doing nothing!

Krissy said...

I think that you need to cut yourself a little slack. To "ditto" Meredith, you were not "doing nothing", you were and are giving your body what it needs. You have an additional priority in your life now in the form of Baby #2. The fact that the baby hasn't been born yet doesn't mean that the need to rebalance and adjust your day to day life waits until the birth.

Be patient, you will figure it out! A little time and you will re-adjust your time frames/goals and feel a lot better. So you don't have the energy to greet Ella every morning, say that you'll do one or two mornings a week. That way you'll get to balance Baby #2's needs with your goals with Ella.

I have an enormous amount of faith in your capabilities as a child of God/wife/mom/friend, and I bet if you ask around , you'll find its a popular opinion!

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate Sarah. I have been having several meltdowns over the past few weeks about my lack of accomplishment on a variety of levels. I believe it's really lies from Satan trying to get us as women, moms, and wives discouraged. Unfortunately sometimes we listen to those lies. I have been trying to write down some daily affirmations that are Biblically based that I can say each day. It sounds silly, but I think we have to remind ourselves of God's promises and God's love for us. A lot of times I look at my house and feel like a complete failure, but I am doing the best I can. So I think you have to stop beating yourself up, and remember that caring for yourself and your baby, and Ella, is most important. Aside from that, housework and projects, etc, is not really gonna matter in the long run! Love ya! : )

Life With My Boys..... said...

Here Here, Love!!!

Yep. Just gave you a shout out and wrote about the same thing.....

Guilt and comparison. Two of my greatest enemies.

Love you!
Big baths of grace, Baby.
And remember - you have a fabulous excuse, anyway. You are climbing a mountain every single day....even if you are just sitting on your rump.