The Joys of Pregnancy - Revisited

It's worth reading a second time people...I believe I've even improved upon my last one.

Ever since I accidentally deleted my joys of pregnancy post, I've been a little disappointed. At first I thought it was no big deal but then I started thinking....I will eventually feel better in pregnancy and I think it would be a cryin' shame to forget all that I went through. I really think it needs to be memorialized somewhere. I'm keeping a journal to give to the baby, but somehow I just don't think that would be the appropriate place. So because I'm as sick as a dog (more to come on that in future posts) and have nothing else to do but sit on the couch, I'm going to do my best to recreate that graphic little post! Here goes :)

DISCLAIMER:

• IF YOU ARE THINKING OF GETTING PREGNANT AND DON'T WANT TO HEAR SOME TRUTH THAT MAY SCARE THE POO OUT OF YOU, DON'T READ THIS.

• IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR T.M.I. OR GRAPHIC BATHROOM STORIES, THIS ONE'S NOT FOR YOU.

• IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR M E COMPLAIN, SKIP THIS.

• HOWEVER, IF YOU HAVE A TEENAGER WHO YOU ARE WORRIED MAY BECOME SEXUALLY ACTIVE, THIS COULD QUITE POSSIBLY BE THE PERFECT SCARE TACTIC READING TO CONVINCE HIM/HER THAT ABSTINENCE IS THE ONLY SURE FIRE BIRTH CONTROL.

You know that commercial for Pepto Bismol? The one where some real odd ball people dance around with macarena like hand movements and sing, "Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!" Well, that could just as easily be a commercial for pregnancy! Except you'd have to add "hurling all the time, so constipated you look like you're already 6 months pregnant, and so tired you can't stay up past 9pm even if a herd of buffalo stampeded right over you head!" I'd like to see someone put that to a catchy tune.

The first trimester has been no walk in the park, let me tell you, but I know others who've had it worse. Nonetheless I feel it will be very cathartic for me to vent all of this and share some of my 'joy' with you. Here are just some of the highlights.

• There was the time that the puke was of such dense consistency that when I was throwing up at work (yes people that's right, it wasn't even my OWN toilet) it hit the toilet water and the water reverberated all the way back up (and that's quite a distance) and splashed me in the eye. I, literally, did not see that one comin'.

• Then there was the time that I was hurling so often and so violently that I broke tiny little blood vessels all over my face...two days before I was to be a bridesmaid in one of my best friend's wedding. Lots of make-up people. Lots of make-up.

• Then there was the time that I like to refer to as my near death experience. I was in the bathroom for hours, on the toilet with stuff literally coming out both ends. My stomach was in so much pain, I broke out in the sweats, and I was groaning like I was already in labor. Poor Jason, he kept taking the puke bucket in front of me, running outside hosing and out and running it back to me as fast as be possibly could before I hurled again. I do not know where bodily fluids were still coming from. I was exhausted and was pretty convinced that was how I was going to go. I think Jason was pretty scared I was dying too and numerous times wanted to call someone to see if I needed to go to the hospital. Thank the good Lord there was only ONE of those episodes.

• Then we transitioned into the phase that was quite the opposite of above. Anytime Jason would go to the bathroom or pass gas and remark about it (as many men apparently love to do) I would practically break out in tears and angrily demand that he stop cruelly taunting me with his ability to have normal bowel movements and expel pent up gas from his body.

• This one is classic. I've got the nose of a bloodhound people. They could take me into schools and I'm pretty sure I could sniff out drugs. Each morning is anew and I never know what smell is going to set me off. I was laying in bed, trying not to hurl when, what seemed like the most foul smell on earth, wafted to my nose. The following conversation ensued:

ME: Are you making COFFEE!?
JASON: Yeah, why?
ME: UUUuuggg! Open a window.
JASON: Okay. (As he moves with the speed of a sloth towards the kitchen window)
ME: HURRY! Open the window! Open the window and throw the coffee out!
JASON: What!?
ME: OPEN THE WINDOW AND THROW THE COFFEE OUT THE WINDOW! THROW THE COFFEE, THE COFFEE MAKER, YOUR MUG OUT THE WINDOW! QUICK!
JASON: Wow. Okaaay.

a few moments pass

ME: Jason. There is STILL coffee in this house! WHY IS THERE STILL COFFEE IN THIS HOUSE!?
JASON: HOW did you smell that!? It's in a sealed travel mug! (as he runs from the office out to the garage, coffee mug in hand.)

This is why the first thing you would see if you entered our garage today is our coffee maker :)

I think those are the best ones (that my privacy filter, which is obviously not very strong, will allow me to share on the internet. Trust me people there's been even worse moments.) and give you a pretty clear pictures of the joys I have thus far experienced in being pregnant. I am anxiously awaiting that "honeymoon phase that my midwife says will come between 14 and 20 weeks. (Oh please, Lord Jesus, let it be closer to 14!) I just keep telling myself "This will pass, it's all worth it....this will pass, it's all worth it...." I pretty sure that's Jason's new mantra too :)